Fathers Have No Choice: It's My Body, My Choice

How do men feel about abortion? Father's have a choice to have sex, but once a pregnancy occurs, he no longer has a choice in adoption, abortion, or parenting, unless she invites him in. Controversy over the incriminating videos revealing the atrocities and illegal activities of the nations's largest abortion provider, debate over abortion has been revived.  Women's health, and rights are on the forefront of topics, and the fathers are rarely mentioned. They are silenced by bully tactics  calling them a bigot or chauvinist if they attempt to speak up. They are told if they didn't want a child murdered, they should not father one. 

I am opening up the platform to a father to share in his own words,  his experience with "choice." The good the bad and the ugly.

I can't tell you for sure that I have not been a part of an abortion, because I was an idiot and had unprotected sex. I watched the videos that have been put out and I am disgusted. I have repented for my sexual activity, but it wasn't until I saw the videos that I thought about the fact that my behavior when I was a young man, could have killed a baby. I have to repent and only hope that never happened.

My first experience with being faced with being a parent was when I was 18. I was the bad boy that had attracted the attention of the good girl that wanted some excitement. Her parents gave her grief about the likes of me, but it wasn't important until a few weeks into the relationship we found out we were pregnant. My parents wanted us to consider abortion, and she didn't want to. We decided to get married. The date was set, and I knew I had to get some things straight before I could be a dad. I confessed to my girl that I was addicted to drugs. She knew about recreational use, but not how serious.

It scared her, and infuriated her parents. I started rehab, but every time they found me alone, they would corner me and tell me the best thing I could do for her would be to leave her. They were better off financially and could take care of the child. I would never be good enough.  Our parents didn't see eye to eye on much, and I was the golden child to my parents, so they supported me in marrying the girl but had their reservations. One week before the wedding, i was informed by her parents that she did not want to talk to me and that the wedding was called off. She would not take phone calls, or answer the door.

 I was informed by certified mail my child had been born and I was given an appointment when I could see my son. I bought an outfit and was excited to see him an hopeful things had changed. Her parents were there and acted as if I would break him if I held him for too long. Her father informed me I needed to sign my rights away,  and I was devastated.  I didn't fight too long before I quit rehab.

At home, my parents saw this as an opportunity for me to get my head on straight and be free from financial obligation. If her family was so much better than us, and didn't want me to be a father, I should not have to pay child support. I was the golden child and they saw a golden opportunity for me to not have to struggle. I was urged to just let it go and learn from it.  I was getting high again, and did not want to deal with the stress of fighting people that were seen as pillars of the community or parents that thought they knew best.  It didn't matter how high I was, the day I signed the papers, I knew I had made the worst mistake in my life. I held the pen and wanted to scream.  There wasn't a day that I wasn't reminded of the awful decision I had made.  I would call her and write letters telling her I wanted to help in any way I could and be in his life if she let me, but I never received a reply.

A few years went by of me moving in and out of my parents place and doing drugs. The drug use got worse, and I ended up meeting a girl that was running on the same stuff I was, trying to wean herself off of heroin. Cocaine did not seem as harmful to us. We weren't together for long before we found out she was pregnant. She already had a child and freaked out. She didn't want another one. My parents knew the state she and I both were in and thought abortion was the best answer. We agreed. We were continuing to do coke and didn't want to slow down.

That wasn't until my girlfriend confided into a Christian that she was going to have an abortion. She convinced her to wait and talk about her options. She offered to talk to me with her husband, and wanted my parents present because they were encouraging abortion and we were  living with them. I was mad at first. I was offended that they were butting their nose in my business. We were addicts and broke. There was no need for us to bring a kid in the world. This Christian couple not only offered counseling, but financial support if we chose to be parents. They offered solutions that did not involve ending the babies life. My parents were mad and thought we were making a huge mistake. I was cornered by my mom and reminded of my girlfriends drug use. I finally demanded that she make her choice because she didn't know what she wanted to do yet. I told her to either quit the coke or have an abortion because everyday she continued, would be more of a chance the baby would be hurt. She made the decision to keep the baby and we made a plan to stop using. We got married and got a house ready for our little girl. She got her son back and we became a family.

She did well with recovery. We started going to counseling and even church. The day my little girl came, I knew we had made the best decision ever. She was beautiful and perfect. I was still very selfish with my wife, but this little girl melted me. I was in love. My mother was in bliss. There was no denying this is little girl was meant to be. She strengthened her mommy on the hard days to resist temptations even more,  and I would love to be able to say that we lived happily and soberly ever after, but it didn't happen. I would relapse and she would get mad. Our arguments would catch attention and were awful. My house was behind my parents, and they would take my side. This made it very hard on her, and we finally decided to get a fresh start and move near her family, out of state. We lasted only two more years. She wanted out.

She was tired of the addiction. She would only have small relapses and mine were huge binges on pain pills. If I didn't have pain pills, I would drink or be moody. Our finances were a wreck and my parents weren't so easy with the money because we had moved out of state. When she put her foot down and gave me papers, I begged her not to got through with it. She informed me that her mistake was thinking my parents had money, and that was the only reason she married me.  In the courts eyes, she was the exemplary parent and I was the wash out. I got visitation with her holding full custody. I had no right to my step son. I still regret the chaos he had to endure of seeing another man fail him and walk out of his life.

I moved back to my home state and gave up on women. I worked and made my daughter my only priority when I had visitation. The pain of divorce and or my ex wife remarrying never made me doubt the choice we made when we chose life. I am thankful a concerned couple butted their nose in my business. I am glad a man encouraged me to be a man. My daughter is a gift and my delight.

It was four years before I found myself interested in pursuing a relationship. When we knew we wanted to be a family we knew we had some hurdles to get over. She had kids. I had a child I didn't know and another I only had visitation with.  She encouraged me to pray about my son. Her boys were special to me, but it didn't fill the gap in my heart for my firstborn. She looked at me and told me that I would have the opportunity to tell him myself that it had nothing to do with him in my decision to sign my rights away, and that I was sorry. She said, " It doesn't matter what his mother wants, God is going to stir up in that child's heart a desire to know his daddy."

Instead of walking in failure she motivated me to be proactive in seeking more time with my daughter. We decided to move closer. We had not settled ourselves in our new home long before we found out birth control failed and she was pregnant. Here was a woman that believed in me, and gave me a chance despite my history, and she was carrying my child. I wanted to call everyone. I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. She was scared, but there was no question that this child was going to have life.

The difference in having to make a decision on the fly about bringing a child in the world because you slept with someone and waiting to see if they will choose life rather than being with someone that you have made a life with and are committed to, is enormous. She loved me and I loved her. It was our pregnancy. It was our child. She was carrying my son!

We had a nice bow on our blended family, and he was everybody's little brother.The blended family was connected.  Two years later, I received an email on my birthday.  It was from my firstborn's mother:

"This feels weird, writing to you, but I do ask that you read and respond to this. After that, if you never want to hear from me again, I will respect that. Our son is 11 now, and is at a funny stage in life. I remember all of us having the same kind of issues in middle school. He seems to want to know more about who he is, based on where he comes from. I don't have any more answers that make him happy. He hasn't asked directly, but I think he would like to know some stuff about you. I don't know much about you anymore, so if you could share some, I would really appreciate it. And, if you would like to know more about him, I will answer any questions, or just ramble about him, if you would like. Thank you"

I responded immediately. Now there were times I had reached out and asked for at least a response but was only met with silence. This time I could barely contain myself.  I hoped that she wouldn't change her mind before we could talk.

"I'm open to anything that you feel comfortable with.....On the other hand I would like to know every little thing about will....I don't know exactly how you want to proceed with this, but I will let you lead and I will follow. I regret the day I was selfish and signed my rights away. You can call me anytime."

She called me and we set up a time to talk. After we met, we made a date for me to meet him. I am so proud of what she has  accomplished with him. He is bright, and outgoing. I tend to end up being the butt end of jokes about teachers that he has that were mine as well. She tells him not to tell them who his father is. I have to own that. Life choices have life's consequences, and I have made a lot of bad decisions. I am grateful to have had the chance to tell my son how awesome he is, and how sorry I was for being so selfish. She gave me a packet of pictures from birth to his present age and I saw how much life and memories I missed. But here is this young man that grew up loved by his mother and family. He was chosen and not a mistake.

I don't know if she feared us getting too close to each other or that I would hurt him again, but communication has gone cold. Excuses are made about being too busy for visits. I have no rights, and can demand nothing. I have to be thankful for the chance to have had access to him in the first place.

Writing this out, it seems like there is no happy ending. My first two children have to deal with not having their father in the home. But if you asked them if they think they should not have been born,  they will give you a puzzled look. Two brave women chose life at a difficult time and made the world a better place.

From the time I was born, abortion was legal. By the time we were taught about sex in school, abortion was taught as her choice. It was pounded in us as males to put a raincoat on. I had no respect for women when I was a kid. I had direct access to pornography and"boys will be boys." was the motto in my house. I started using drugs at a young age and gratified myself at every turn. Consequences were light or non existent as a kid. I lived like a kid until I was close to 30 years old.

Is there redemption in this story? If a young dude can think about his future and forget the saying,  "if it feels good do it," then there is. If my sons can learn from my mistakes because I tell them of the pain I suffered because I thought life wouldn't catch up with me, then their life will be better.

I pay child support and love my daughter, but am told, it is harder for a mother and child to be separated than a daddy. My relationship with my daughter is held by a tight leash of court papers and mother's wishes.   Men are stigmatized by the name of "dead beat dad." A man is told he has no choice but he should be prepared to pay for 18 years if she chooses life. She is called brave if she chooses to end the life inside her and men would be cruel to "force" her to birth his child. It takes two to tango,  two to make a baby, and it should be two that parent a child. If one doesn't want to the other shouldn't be deprived of their right.

What if men deprived the abortion industry of babies by not sleeping with women that have no respect for fathers? You might not have many one night stands, but you wont die from not having sex.

The law of the land says a father has no right, so maybe if us guys got serious about talking to boys about integrity, responsibility, and self control,  we might reduce abortion by women not having access to a child in the first place. Father's that waited for their wife have an awesome thing to brag on. They know without a doubt that none of their children were aborted.

If you have been sleeping around, you might be like me and have children that might have been aborted. She can say it was her choice, but God won't let you use that excuse with him and we have to answer for the seeds of death, or the seeds of life we planted. Don't plant seeds you can't water.

Women can keep their choice. What if men were the ones that stopped abortion? If we used self control and respected marriage as a safe place for parents to protect an unexpected pregnancy, We would end up with a woman that loves life too. My wife thought that I would be upset that her birth control failed, but seeing my loving protective response, caused her to be at ease and see I was there for life.

Every bad boy fantasizes about  the smart popular good girl to unleash her wild side, but not when it comes to looking down their nose and screaming you have no right to the person inside her that is half you. The girl next door, or willing and wild only exist in fantasy and they exercise their rights in the real world. If you have been bad, you will be treated that way.

What if you just had the decency to tell her and her parents what your intentions were from the get go?
Ask her parents what they would think if you got her pregnant?
 What if you asked her what she would do if she got pregnant. before you had sex?
What if your choice to have sex meant someone got murdered?

If you are having sex even with a condom, birth control  you might still be responsible for a pregnancy.

I don't demand sympathy for the mistakes I made, but I do  know men that are single fathers, and take care of their children. They work a job which is expected, and raise their children because they want to. They don't down women and call them dead beat moms. They were there when the mom left, or died, and they never ran. They didn't see it as taking responsibility;  they saw it as being a loving parent.

Jonathan